Which basically means that I’m fabulous at being completely and utterly un-fabulous. Still confused? Okay. The bottom line is that I’d love to be fabulous and, at times, I totally am. But then there’s this pesky little thing called perspective.
It’s like, my best friend and I documented our friendship over the past however many months – and we’ve been friends for over ten years so we don’t know why we didn’t think to do this sooner – via text messages AND an epic group text with our other best friend, who was my best friend first over 20 years ago and now they’ve totally fallen in bestie love with one another. So when we talk about this hilarious documentation of our lives, we’re so proud of our fabulousness. And then we realize that we’re probably the only ones who find each other funny. And I’m probably the least funny out of the three of us. See? Fabulously unfabulous.
But, on the bright side, I think that some of my unfabulousness actually morphs into some really fabulous stuff…sometimes. For example, I’m a terrible housekeeper. Like, really really awful. I’ll never forget the first time I ever mopped a floor (it was my first job at an animal hospital, which really isn’t a place where you want to see a poorly cleaned floor). I had done the worst. job. ever. I’m still not even sure how you can mess up mopping a floor, but I can. But, whatever because now, a lot of years later, I’m still a terrible mopper but I have found a fabulous cleaning lady – who, on her first day, texted me to ask where she could find the mop. Cue deer in the headlights look, because I DIDN’T EVEN OWN ONE! To be fair, our entire house is carpet except for the kitchen and bathrooms. And we don’t wear shoes in the house so they don’t get that dirty and when they did, I’ve cleaned them (poorly) by hand. But at least now I own a mop. See? Fabulous in the end. Now I have a clean house AND I own a mop.
Some other things I’m pretty awful at:
- Dressing myself. Because yoga pants, I’ve been told, are not actually real pants. Although I’d like to have a real debate on this.
- Applying makeup. Seriously, no matter how much I spend on the stuff, I always look like a hooker coming off of a long shift within 30 minutes of applying. *Note to self – find some YouTube videos on how to apply eyeliner.
- Taking selfies. I can’t do it. I’ve tried. I always look contorted – like my face is at some crazy angle or one eye looks way bigger than the other. Or it looks like I have five chins. Although I’ve never tried a selfie stick. Would that help? Maybe a little?
- Anything crafty. I actually don’t even get Pinterest fails. I get a bag of shit I bought so that I could try and make a Pinterest project which I inevitably lose the receipt to and then I’m stuck with a $75 bag of mod podge, spray paint, glitter and wood.
- Decorating. My house, Christmas trees, you name it. I know what I like, but for some reason I just can’t put it together. Someday, when we’re living in a more permanent residence, I’ll hopefully end up with a fabulous interior decorator. And one specially to decorate for Christmas, because, duh it’s Christmas and it should look like a winter wonderland that’s been barfed on by the glitter fairies.
I promise there are a million other things I’m terrible at, and we’ll discuss them all. Maybe, just maybe, in the end I’ll come out just a little fab.